Squirrels and Ducks

I recently saw a sweatshirt with a funny saying, something along the lines of

I do not have ducks.

I do not have a row.

All I have are squirrels,

And they’re drunk.

That’s how I feel lately. I keep thinking I will get my ducks in a row. But then the ducks waddle off into the woods, and when I send squirrels in after them, they scamper about hunting acorns, completely oblivious to the assignment: Bring back the ducks! My mistake of course is assigning squirrels anything, but they’re all I’ve got.

My brain used to be able to think in a straight line. First, break down the big goal into little tasks. Second, make a list. Third, rearrange list in priority order. Do tasks, take notes, communicate, etc. Nowadays, my brain freaks at the big goal, finally settles down and may think of one or two related tasks, may write them down, then almost always misplaces those notes. Squirrels!

I keep telling my siblings I’m burnt out from caregiving of our parents for fifteen or so years. I keep telling my siblings my brain doesn’t organize any more. I’m scarily forgetful. And they’ve been great at accepting my new limitations, filling in, reminding me of things. Recent changes in our mother’s life would not have happened without my capable sisters. I thank God for them every day.

I still have anxiety, however, about coordinating communications among Mom’s health care providers. Why does a nurse named Cecile call me every day about meds and test results? I thought Mom’s nurses were Jungsin and Jocelyn. Let’s see, where did I write down the case manager’s and social worker’s names and numbers? Does Mom’s gynecologist fax test results only to the nursing home doctor or also to Mom’s floor nurse?

I once—back when I could line up ducks— wrote an article called “Nine Things I Wish Health Care Personnel Would Do Differently.” Someone challenged me to find a tenth thing because “Ten Things” is a catchier title. My nine things all came out of actual frustrations with how my parents were treated, and I couldn’t think of a tenth at that time. This week’s events at my mother’s nursing home have sparked a tenth idea. So I guess at least one of the squirrels has sobered up and come back. Now if I can find the article with the nine things, I’ll put them together. Squirrels AND ducks!

Fences, Part Two

Driving back from Mom’s nursing home today, I whizzed north on a road between sun-streaked horse pastures, most with multiple horses out munching on grass and hay. Blue sky, trees in various autumn stages, yellow leaves covering rolling lawns, pomegranate-colored bushes, and several dozen gorgeous creatures in various shades of brown. I especially liked the elegant stance of their slender front legs. Some horses ate grass under the split-rail fences near the road.

Today these fences struck me differently than they did on the dark gray day, April 4, 2011. Since then, fences have represented for me how a nursing home defines a person’s world. On that horrible day, my father had his loving homey free world reduced to a lonely regimented bare room. Because of his Alzheimer’s, he didn’t understand this move, and he couldn’t really converse with anyone. Imagining his sense of abandonment has made that day stand out as the absolute worst day of my life. On that day as I drove by these same fences, my heart, lungs, and stomach all constricted in agony.

Today, not so much. I feel sad that my mother’s homey free world has been reduced to one room in the nursing home. She told me yesterday that anxieties of adjusting to new routines and people keep her awake most nights. And the Medicare rules, oh my goodness. The poor woman has had to fight for five weeks to get a pill that she used to be able to walk in to Walgreens and buy over the counter. I am sorry she has these hassles and restrictions. But Mom is sharp and determined to look on the bright side of being in the nursing home. When I visit, chances are good she’ll be out of her room, involved in a trivia game or Songs with Susan or a special celebration.

When Dad began nursing home life, all I could see was one gray horse far off in a tiny muddy pen. But with Mom’s new beginning, I see fences, yes, but around huge rolling pastures of green grass. A fence is an apt metaphor for an institution; but if you’ll forgive my comparing my parents to horses, I will say that Mom, well, I’m guessing she’ll be among those feeding out near the edges.

Exciting new resource ~ Caregiving.com

Caregiving.com is a website worth checking out!

Created by Denise Brown, Caregiving.com will provide you with information and a sense of community as you care for your loved one. The site includes podcasts, webinars, and blogs designed to help with the very real challenges of caregiving.

The following quotes are from the article "Stress, Support in Caregiving" by Darcell Rockett in yesterday's Chicago Tribune:

"Brown has conducted an informal ongoing survey of caregivers for more than two years and found their average stress level to be 4.15 out of 5."

"A recent survey conducted by the organization [Embracing Carers] found that 47 percent of caregivers have feelings of depression, and almost 57 percent feel they need medical care/support for a mental health condition (i.e. depression, anxiety, stress) because of their role."

You are not alone. Please check out Caregiving.com.

Hiring an In-Home Caregiver: What You Don't Know Could Hurt You

Arranging in-home care is a win-win, but only if done wisely. Your family gets peace of mind and some relief, and your loved one gets to stay in his or her home longer. But please, follow Jennifer Luna Friedrich’s advice in her article, “Hiring an In-Home Caregiver: What You Don’t Know Could Hurt You,” in a recent Caregiver.com newsletter.

From our family’s experience, I would emphasize caregiver training when choosing an agency. And I would also find out how the agency supervises its caregivers, and what types of reports caregivers are required to submit to the agency. As Jennifer Luna Friedrich points out, interviewing potential caregivers can be helpful. And what if the person who checks all your boxes quits suddenly?

For example, the main three boxes my mother wants checked are:

• Has a car
• Takes initiative to plan and cook healthy meals
• Is companionable

Her agency has often sent caregivers who, although kind and caring, do not drive or cook or want to be sociable with my mother. The agency will send office personnel to drive my mother to appointments if her caregiver is without a car. But on cooking and companionability issues, she seems to have no recourse. Her agency's failures have been hard on my mother. Yes, she’s still in her home, but she’s lonelier than she needs to be and still has the burden of managing more than she should.

Anyway, I urge you to ask a lot of questions. Most importantly, understand the definitions and legalities Jennifer Luna Friedrich explains so clearly in “Hiring an In-Home Caregiver: What You Don’t Know Could Hurt You.”   

Pseudo Dementia

WOW. I just learned of so many possible causes of dementia-like symptoms. Before reading the Caregiver.com article "Pseudo Dementia" by Arthur N. Gottlieb, I only knew to suspect UTIs. Oh, and the reasons he gives make so much sense. For example, as Dad's sight or hearing becomes compromised, he will likely behave differently. If he withdraws or asks questions out of context, don't assume dementia has set in. Or if Mom seems less than herself, a medication side effect or newly introduced food might be to blame. To read Gottlieb's "Pseudo Dementia" article, click here

The reasons Gottlieb gives might require some sleuthing and keen observation, not to mention patience, diplomatic conversations, and experimentation. But I find it reassuring that a sudden increase in senior moments does not automatically mean dementia is present.