Squirrels and Ducks

I recently saw a sweatshirt with a funny saying, something along the lines of

I do not have ducks.

I do not have a row.

All I have are squirrels,

And they’re drunk.

That’s how I feel lately. I keep thinking I will get my ducks in a row. But then the ducks waddle off into the woods, and when I send squirrels in after them, they scamper about hunting acorns, completely oblivious to the assignment: Bring back the ducks! My mistake of course is assigning squirrels anything, but they’re all I’ve got.

My brain used to be able to think in a straight line. First, break down the big goal into little tasks. Second, make a list. Third, rearrange list in priority order. Do tasks, take notes, communicate, etc. Nowadays, my brain freaks at the big goal, finally settles down and may think of one or two related tasks, may write them down, then almost always misplaces those notes. Squirrels!

I keep telling my siblings I’m burnt out from caregiving of our parents for fifteen or so years. I keep telling my siblings my brain doesn’t organize any more. I’m scarily forgetful. And they’ve been great at accepting my new limitations, filling in, reminding me of things. Recent changes in our mother’s life would not have happened without my capable sisters. I thank God for them every day.

I still have anxiety, however, about coordinating communications among Mom’s health care providers. Why does a nurse named Cecile call me every day about meds and test results? I thought Mom’s nurses were Jungsin and Jocelyn. Let’s see, where did I write down the case manager’s and social worker’s names and numbers? Does Mom’s gynecologist fax test results only to the nursing home doctor or also to Mom’s floor nurse?

I once—back when I could line up ducks— wrote an article called “Nine Things I Wish Health Care Personnel Would Do Differently.” Someone challenged me to find a tenth thing because “Ten Things” is a catchier title. My nine things all came out of actual frustrations with how my parents were treated, and I couldn’t think of a tenth at that time. This week’s events at my mother’s nursing home have sparked a tenth idea. So I guess at least one of the squirrels has sobered up and come back. Now if I can find the article with the nine things, I’ll put them together. Squirrels AND ducks!