Spiders and weasels and worms, oh my! (with apologies to Dorothy)

A few years ago I wrote a post about “other duties as assigned” parts of a caregiver’s job description. I had just swept my parents’ porch free of a wiggle of earthworms after a massive rainstorm. [Although “a prickle of hedgehogs,” “a chattering of chicks,” and “a sneak of weasels” are on lists of collective terms for animals, I find no listing for worms, so how about “a wiggle of worms”?]

Here are a few more concerns of caregivers:

   A friend hears her sister’s complaints of exhaustion after living with their infirm parents for months. In addition to providing relief by visiting their parents’ home and sharing in the frustration of encouraging unwilling parents to do their physical therapy exercises, my friend invites her sister out once a week to have fun together. My friend and her sister might be called “a team of sisters,” and sometimes, “a party of sisters.” 

  My mother’s live-in caregiver, who lives in her lovely finished basement, complained of big spiders down there. After finding a spider inside her pillowcase, she refused to sleep in the bed and took to the couch. Her getting less than adequate sleep worried me, because she needs to be alert to any cue that my mom needs her. My stoic mother, however, is not afraid of spiders and doesn’t understand why anyone fears them. She offered the caregiver a can of bug-killing spray, but the caregiver had health concerns about that, so she wouldn’t spray it. Google and I partnered for the cause and found a natural remedy, which required my buying peppermint oil. By the time I bought it and offered to mix it in a spray bottle for her, the caregiver said the spider crisis was over and she was back sleeping peacefully in the bed. Let’s see … “a creep of tortoises,” “a slither of snakes,” nothing for spiders … how about “a crawl of spiders?” And certainly now, even one bottle constitutes a surplus of peppermint oil.

Another friend and her siblings have reached the ends of their ropes tag-teaming visits to their mother’s apartment to help her get dressed, make sure she hasn’t fallen, and is taking her meds. They realize their mom needs more help than they can provide. My friend thought she’d find it at A Place for Mom but didn't find a good fit through them. She’s talked with some facilities and learned about their specialized units for older folks with varying issues. Those weren’t good fits for her mom either. She did learn some lingo though. Now she and her sibs know their dear mother does not need assisted living; rather, she needs what the industry calls supportive living. So now they’ll contact Visiting Angels. Oh, and during this research, they’ve been in touch with federal and state agencies to learn what care is covered. Since I don’t think my aging brain could keep straight the complexities of working my way down such a long list of resources, I’ll call my friend’s family “a saint of siblings.”

The collective term for an endless list to research? How about “a flow chart of lists”? “An infinity of lists?” “A fog of lists”?

A Bittersweet Season

Recently friends recommended a book by Jane Gross, A Bittersweet Season: Caring for Our Aging Parents ~ and Ourselves. Here is a list from the book's description on Amazon.com of some topics covered:

Finding Our Better Selves
The Myth of Assisted Living
The Vestiges of Family Medicine
The Best Doctors Money Can Buy
The Biology, Sociology, and Psychology of Aging
Therapeutic Fibs

To see the whole description or buy the book, click here.

Handling the Holidays with Alzheimer's: Experts Offer Advice

Looking for a gift for your loved one with dementia? The Alzheimer's Association shares thoughtful gift ideas for people in all stages of Alzheimer's in this Washington Post article. Enjoy your time together!

Holiday Visits: A Great Time to See if Mom Needs Assistive Aids

If you don't see your aging parent frequently, holiday visits give you an opportunity to assess his or her living situation. What to look for? You can access online helpful hints in the current issue of Today's Caregiver magazine. Find it at Caregiver.com in the drop-down menu under Magazine. Right now, while the November/December issue is current, click here, then click to view the online magazine. The article is "Holiday Visits: A Great Time to See if Mom Needs Assistive Aids."

Nurses Lending Closets

Although your parent may not use a wheelchair at home, he or she may want one for holiday parties. My mom doesn't want her walker to get in anyone's way at a crowded parties, so she plans to borrow a wheelchair for a week or so. That way she in essence brings her own chair to the party, too. Or your parent may have a safety apparatus, like rails around the toilet, in his or her bathroom at home that would not be present in Aunt Ethel's house, where the family gathers for Christmas. 

To borrow short-term medical items, Google to find local nurses lending closets. If you don't see a list online of what items each has, call around and ask if that closet has the item you need. Reserve it, if possible. Also, plan to sanitize it yourself after you get it home.

Tweak holiday plans for treasured moments

Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the corner. Plan ahead how to best include your family member who has Alzheimer’s. The Alzheimer’s Association offers great suggestions in their article Holidays and Alzheimer’s Families. I might add that you want to more than simply include him or her—you want your loved one’s comfort and peace. And you want him or her to feel loved.

My father had Alzheimer’s for about 12 years, and it wasn’t until the last four or five years that we adjusted our family celebrations to be Alzheimer’s-friendly. In our family I usually hosted Christmas and Mother’s Day parties. My sister hosted Thanksgiving and Father’s Day. Birthdays were usually in my parents’ home, sometimes in the dining hall of their assisted living complex. Here are some of our tough holiday decisions:

·     When he could no longer rely on words coming to his mind, Dad got very quiet in groups. We could almost see him shriveling up in his chair as lively conversation became unfollowable. Since he could still work jigsaw puzzles, my sister or I were sure to have a few puzzles on hand. After clearing dinner dishes, we’d spread out puzzle pieces on the dining table and solve it together. Whenever Dad triumphantly tapped a piece into the puzzle, we’d give him some encouraging words.

·     When our family was young, Mom and Dad welcomed our friends and sometimes strangers to our holiday meals, and both my sister and I as adults like to do that, too. One of the hardest things I had to do when Dad’s Alzheimer’s worsened was to tell nieces and nephews I couldn’t welcome their friends into our home. I felt I needed to protect Dad from needless disorientation. He was only sure who his wife and children were; he had already become confused about his grandchildren and their spouses. And I kept wondering if this would be Dad’s last Christmas with us, and I wanted to preserve warm, loving family time.

·     Many people with Alzheimer’s enter a nursing facility when the disease has progressed into later stages. For a variety of reasons, my father was admitted when he was still fairly high-functioning. He became depressed to be separated from his wife of 60+ years and his familiar home. We were heartbroken for his heartbreak. During that first year or so in the nursing home, he could still walk, so we could have gotten him to his home or to the dining hall. But he’d eaten at that dining hall with Mom frequently; would he remember it as something he missed? He’d lived in that home with Mom for 15 or so years; would he be upset that he couldn’t stay there after the party? We had no way of knowing, and we did not want to risk causing him further emotional pain. So we began finding little meeting rooms and lounges in the nursing home to set up Dad’s birthday and Father’s Day parties. After he’d lived in the nursing home for a while, scenery changes (like hospital visits) agitated him, so then certainly in his later Alzheimer’s stages, partying in his familiar environment was better for him. For his last birthday, we even limited the partyers to two people on one day and one person on a separate day for quieter, calming scenarios.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are times to treasure your loved one with Alzheimer’s. Two of my favorite photos of my dad were taken on the last Mother’s Day he was able to come to my house. He didn’t remember the party, but I still do. It was a happy, happy day in a very, very long season of sadness.

I remember better when I paint

In honor of National Alzheimer's Awareness Month, many public broadcasting television stations are airing the full-length 2009 film I Remember Better When I Paint. It shows many heartening stories of integrating creative arts into everyday lives of Alzheimer's patients. More here.